


Shadows of the Past

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Episode Related, M/M, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-05-05
Updated: 2004-05-05
Packaged: 2018-12-27 08:56:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12077811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Justin feels guilty about breaking the rules.





	Shadows of the Past

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Brian finished with the weights. It seemed that he’d had enough of trying to crush himself for one day. After taking a long drink of water, he stomped off towards the locker room. Ted followed close behind, eager to find out what had put Brian into so foul a mood. Brian was already at his locker, roughly pushing it’s contents around as he searched for something.

“Are you okay?” asked Ted.

“I’m fan-fucking-tastic.” Brian snapped back.

“Is something wrong with Justin?” Ted figured it had to be that, but he couldn’t help asking.

“What would make you think that? We’re in goddamn paradise.” there was a warning tone in Brian’s voice, a warning that Ted chose to ignore.

“Then why are you acting like a lion with a thorn in its paw?” Brian just scowled at this fairly accurate description of his mood. Ted could see that he was on thin ice, but he couldn’t resist making at least one more comment. He gave his delivery carefully to make sure that his words hit their intended target just right.

“Bottle of water, $2.00. Athletic shoes, $85.00. Gym membership, $400.00. Watching Brian Kinney fall apart over an eighteen-year-old twink, priceless! There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else there’s...”

‘Would you shut the fuck up!” Brian interrupted. He had tried to ignore the digs, but lost that battle. Ted had to duck as Brian hurled his towel, and then his water bottle in the direction of his head. Judging from the strength and accuracy with which they were thrown, Ted was sincerely glad that he hadn’t made his little speech around the free weights.

Brian turned around and dressed quickly. He couldn’t wait to get away. His chest felt tight, like it was hard to breath. It was a feeling he’d had often in the last year. Brian stepped out of the gym and into the glaring sun. He put on his sunglasses and headed for the jeep.

~*~*~*~*

“Hello! Earth to Justin!” Debbie's voice boomed in his ear. Justin blinked, startled out of his thoughts. “What’s going on kiddo?”

“Nothing.” Justin replied, but he couldn’t quite look at her as he said it.

“Uh-huh, and I suppose next you’re going to try and tell me that Brian has suggested that the two of you skip off to Vermont to get married.” Debbie noticed that Justin was feigning great interest in rearranging dishes, so she decided to take a more direct approach. “What’s he done this time?”

Justin considered pretending that he didn’t know who she was talking about, but he was sure that strategy wouldn’t work. If he wanted her off his back, he would have to tell her the truth.

“Brian didn’t do anything. It’s not about him, well it is, but he didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the one who fucked up.” by the end, Justin was unsuccessfully trying to hide the fact that he was about ready to cry. Debbie looked around the diner. It had gotten pretty empty, so it was as good a time as any to take a break. She pulled Justin around to the other side of the counter and made him sit down on one of the stools.

“Okay Sunshine,” she said, “spill it.”

“I kissed Eric.” he said.

“Who’s Eric?”

“That guy who was in here earlier.”

“Oh, he was a real cutie.” Debbie said. Justin’s eyes fluttered shut for a moment, and Debbie knew that she had said the wrong thing.

“I broke one of our rules, and that was the one I was most insistent on. I feel so shitty.”

“Kiddo, I can understand that you’re upset, but is it really worth tearing yourself to pieces?”

“That’s not the worst of it. I was really mean to Eric. When he came to talk, he told me that he loves me, and I just pushed him away. I acted like a total asshole.”

Debbie didn’t know what to say. On the one hand she knew that Justin had been wrong, but on the other hand, she couldn’t bear to chastise him when he sat there looking so miserable. She also decided that now was not the time to make any comments about him learning from the King of Assholes.

“Tell you what Sunshine, your shift is almost over, so go home early and get some rest. You’ll feel better in the morning.” Debbie said finally, patting his cheek.

Justin just nodded. He didn’t think that he would feel better any time soon, but he wanted the opportunity to sort out everything. Justin grabbed his coat and bag from the back, and decided to walk back to the loft. He felt like he was going to be sick. Justin couldn’t believe that he had been such a jerk. He still thought that it was kind of stupid that Eric would think that he was in love after one fuck, but he knew that he could have handled the situation better. And he certainly didn’t know what had possessed him to kiss the guy in the first place. He knew he shouldn’t have, and he really didn’t feel much of anything after it. Maybe, Justin thought, he had done it because he felt bad for the guy. Eric was so idealistic about love that he was bound to get his heart broken. Justin felt a lump rise in his throat when he realized that he had very likely been the one to break poor Eric’s heart. It was not a pretty feeling. And maybe there was something else that had made him do it. Maybe it was because deep down inside he wanted all the same things too. Justin desperately wanted to cry, but he knew that he couldn’t, at least not in the middle of Liberty Avenue. To add to his misery, there was the whole situation with Brian. He wouldn’t blame the man if he were pissed. Hell, he would have been if Brian had been the one to break their newly established rules. Justin just hoped that Brian wouldn’t be too hard on him, because he didn’t think it would take much more to send him over the edge. Justin suddenly felt very cold. He pulled his jacket tightly around his body, and began to walk faster.

~*~*~*~*

Brian was just stepping outside with a latte when he saw a familiar figure walking up Liberty Avenue towards him. Brian’s jaw tightened slightly as he saw Justin. His anger from earlier had faded, but he still wasn’t happy. Only Brian wasn’t sure if he was more upset that Justin had broken their rule, or that he cared enough to give a damn. Brian considered stepping back into the coffee house before he was spotted, but he was stopped in his tracks when Justin lifted his head, and Brian could see profound sadness clearly written on the young man’s face. That did it. In an instant, any annoyance that lingered was washed away. Brian could never stay upset when Justin was sporting that hurt puppy look. It got to him every time. Besides, Brian rationalized, he had put Justin through enough that he was entitled to a few screw-ups. Justin had been so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he didn’t know Brian was there until the older man slipped an arm around his shoulder. The startled teen gasped and pulled away. It was an involuntary reaction, one of the lingering side effects of his brush with death. When he turned and saw who had approached him, Justin let out a pent up breath.

“You scared me.” he said meekly. Brian didn’t answer. Instead he opened his arms towards his young lover. Justin stepped into the embrace, and he could feel his heart rate returning to normal as Brian lightly rubbed his back with his free hand.

“Come on, let’s go home.” Brian said after a moment. “The jeep is just down the street.” He reached for Justin’s hand and laced his fingers through the teens. “You’re cold.” he said, although that was a bit of an understatement. Justin’s skin was like ice.

“I guess you’ll have to warm me up.” Justin said, trying to sound playful and not quite succeeding. Brian gently squeezed the hand in his as they began walking to the car. Justin opened his mouth to say something, but Brian cut in before he even had a chance to get the first word out.

“It’s okay.” he assured Justin. The young man looked doubtful. “Did it mean anything to you?” Brian asked, and Justin shook his head. “Then it’s over, so forget about it.”

Justin could tell that Brian meant it, so he felt partially relieved. At least one problem was resolved. He was reaching for the door of the jeep when Brian spoke once more.

“Just don’t let it happen again.”

Justin nodded hi head in agreement. They got into the car and started driving back to the loft.

“Good.” Brian thought, “Now everything will be all right.”

~*~*~*~*

Only it wasn’t all right, at least not for Justin. He lay awake late that night, and he didn’t think that there was much chance of getting any sleep. Every time he closed his eyes he could see the pained expression on Eric’s face when he had unceremoniously dismissed him. To try and take his mind off of that, Justin turned his thoughts to that evening.

Brian had suggested that they go to Babylon, and Justin had agreed, feigning an interest that he didn’t feel. They had found a place on one of the cat walks overlooking the dance floor. It was a good position for playing “the game”. The rules were simple, they would each pick a guy from among the crowd and then see who could score first. In the beginning Brian had always won, but Justin was catching up. But that night Justin wasn’t in the mood for games, so he’d suggested that they just go home alone, though it was more of a plea. “Fuck the game.” Justin had said, but what Brian didn’t know was that Justin meant fuck the game where Brian acted like he didn’t give a shit about Justin and only put up with him because he had too. Brian hadn’t heard any of that in Justin’s words, but he had taken his young lover into his arms and kissed him, then taken him home.

When they got back to the loft they had fucked, although Justin hadn’t been into it. He had struggled to appear his normal, ever-horny self, but had been glad when it was all over. Then Brian had fallen asleep, and Justin was alone with his guilty conscience.

Whether or not he wanted to, Justin was forced to replay that afternoon’s scene with Eric. He was ashamed at how cruel he had been. Yet there was something familiar about the situation. Justin wasn’t sure what it was, but somehow it felt like it had happened before. Hot tears streaked Justin’s face. Why couldn’t he shake that feeling of deja vu? Then, in an instant, Justin understood. It was just like the first time he had been with Brian.

Justin sat up quickly, and tried to stifle a sob that escaped his throat. That immediately woke Brian who sat up as well, and pulled Justin into an embrace.

“What is it baby? Another dream?” Justin was trembling in his arms. “Tell me. Don’t worry, I’m here.”

“Not a dream.” Justin managed to say.

“Then what’s wrong?” Justin couldn’t answer. He stumbled to the bathroom, and made it just in time as he began to retch. Justin then leaned against the cool tiles of the walls and closed his eyes. He heard Brian come into the room and turn on the sink. Brian knelt beside Justin and handed him a glass of water. Justin’s hands shook as he tried to take it, so Brian steadied it for him. Then Brian lifted his baby off the floor, and carried him back to their bed. He made sure to pull the duvet tightly around Justin’s slim frame, and held him close. Justin’s body was still racked with sobs. Brian just continued to stroke the teen’s hair until he was calmer.

“Tell me what’s wrong.” Brian said. Justin took a few deep breaths before he spoke.

“The guy from Daphne’s party came to see me today.” Brian felt the muscles in his stomach clench. “He said that he’s in love with me, and he thought that I felt the same way about him.”

“What did you say?”

“I told him to go away, that he was just a fuck. I hurt him, just like I had been hurt.”

“By me.” Brian finished the sentence.

“That’s not what I was going to say.”

“But it’s the truth.” replied Brian. Justin didn’t know how to answer. “Things would be a lot simpler if you were with him.”

“Loving you has never been easy Brian, but I don’t want what’s easy. I want to be with you.”

“Good. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or wants, cause your mine.” Justin was about to reply that he still felt bad, when he realized the importance of what Brian had just said. “I knew from the beginning that you were different, even if I couldn’t admit it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I remember seeing you standing under the street light, and thinking that you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.”

“Really? You remember that?” Justin sat up as much as he could with Brian still wrapped around him.

“You never gave me much of a choice.” Brian pulled Justin back down. “I was lucky.” He leaned in and kissed Justin. It seemed to go on forever. Neither man wanted to break the connection.

“Thank you.” Whispered Justin.

“Thanks for what?”

“Oh, for just being you.”

As Justin drifted off to sleep finally, he thought about how lucky he was to have Brian He knew that there would be man more problems to face in their relationship, but hopefully they would face them together.


End file.
